


Scott Hansen, Kaiju Hunter

by fadedink



Series: Days of Christmas - 2014 [20]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3065675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadedink/pseuds/fadedink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scott Hansen is a regular Steve Irwin in the Conn-Pod.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scott Hansen, Kaiju Hunter

**Author's Note:**

> The 20th Day of Christmas for [neverreallythoughtaboutthefuture](http://neverreallythoughtaboutthefuture.tumblr.com) because she wanted crack and this idea was too good not to do.

"Please tell me someone's recording the audio of this drop."

Several techs not involved with monitoring Lucky Seven's Conn-Pod activity looked up and stared at Chuck in confusion. He looked back at them, then turned to look around the room. The handful of people wearing a headset were grinning at him, but there were far more who clearly had no clue what was happening.

"Oh, for..." Reaching out, Chuck flipped the switch to transfer the audio to LOCCENT's speakers. "Pay attention, because Dad's been telling Uncle Scott not to start for the last ten minutes. And Uncle Scott just started laughing like a damn loon in there."

"What's going..."

_And here we have the dreaded Category II kaiju...wait, what're we calling this one? Ah, right, Reckoner...who the fuck names these things, anyway, that's a horrible name. Anyway, here we have the dreaded Category II kaiju, Reckoner, as he swoops down on the unsuspecting city of Hong Kong –_

_Scotty, the bastard's ninety meters tall, I'm pretty sure that Hong Kong knows it's coming._

_The **unsuspecting** city of Hong Kong and crikey, look at the size of him. He's ninety meters if he's an inch –_

_I swear he pays attention to the mission briefs._

_– and looks to be about 2500 tons._

By that point, everyone in LOCCENT was either laughing or struggling to keep a straight face. Chuck just sat there grinning as he listened to Herc grow more exasperated by the second. Leave it to Uncle Scott to turn this whole thing into a circus.

_Oh, he's a beauty all right. Four arms, a right wicked looking tail, and the eyes. Charlie, you should see this one's eyes. There's six of 'em!_

"Take a picture for me, Uncle Scott," Chuck said and quickly covered his mouth with one hand to muffle his laughter when Herc growled.

_Son, do not encourage him. Wait, Scotty, what are you doing?_

_Getting closer so I can get a good picture for Charlie, the fuck you think I'm doing?_

_You don't have a camera!_

_I'm gonna use Lucky's external –_

_Like hell you are! Stay focused, ya dipshit._

_Shh, you're gonna frighten him, Herc. Quietly now, easy, easy –_

_The fuck are you doing now?_

_I'm just gonna sneak up and give him a little tickle._

_Oh, for... Marshal, I want a new co-pilot, one that doesn't think he's Steve fucking Irwin in here._

"Request denied, Ranger Hansen, there are no other candidates with high enough compatibility at the moment."

The second the Marshal started speaking, Chuck gave up all pretense of decorum. He put his head down on the console and cried with laughter. He wasn't the only one. There were far more bodies in LOCCENT than there were when the drop started.

_I'd like to formally protest my request being denied._

_Ooh, look at the speed on him. He's a fast one, ain't he? Aww, I think he's gonna come over, give us a look see. You know, they're as curious about us as we are about them._

_You're a goddamn bloody lunatic. Sir, if I feed him to the kaiju, will I get a reprimand or a commendation?_

"You are not to feed your brother to the kaiju, Herc." Even the Marshal was laughing now.

_Fucker'd probably just spit him back out anyway._

_Herc, little help here?_

_Oh, fuck you, now you want my help? I've half a mind to let you figure out how to get away from that tail by yourself._

_Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrc._

_Marshal!_

"You're still not to feed your brother to the kaiju, Ranger Hansen." The Marshal looked over as Chuck started hiccupping. "And stay on point, Ranger Hansen, or I might change my mind about letting your brother feed you to the kaiju. And stop whining."

_Did someone get a picture of this ugly fucker for Charlie, because I'm about to punch it right in its goddamn face. Bastard tried to take a bite out of my arm!_

_Wouldja hold it still, Scotty?_

_He's trying to bite me!_

_I'm in here, too... I swear to fucking Christ, if you don't grab it –_

_You think it's so easy, you do it!_

_Damn it, this fucker ducks and weaves better than Pacquiao!_

_Ooh, boxing metaphors! Nice!_

_Do not even **think** about it._


End file.
